I like unicorns who poop rainbows. :)

useless venting

I dont understand why im like i am. here lately ive been more depressed than i ever have in my life. i’ve lost my job, my motivation to do anything artistic. i have so much going on in my head that i feel like its going to explode. i cant sleep at night because of this fact. ive had several break downs in the last couple of months. and thoughts of suicide more than id care to remember. im just sick and tired of everything. why is all the bad shit happening to me? its not like im not trying to get a job, its not like im not trying to be more artistic. But its kind of hard to be motivated to do anything when your parents won’t even support you. they never cared about anything i did in college. they never once said they were proud of me. even on graduation my dad asked why i didnt do as good as others in my class. and i even had an “AB” gpa. nothing is ever good enough for them. i dont know if this is their sick and twisted way of trying to make me better or what, but its not working. it just makes the pain worse. i cant even come home and have a normal conversation with them without them complaining about something ive done or havent done. Dont take this as me trying to look for attention because thats not what im looking for. i just wanted my parents to be proud of what ive done, but clearly thats not the case. i’ve pretty much given up on everything, and if it wasnt for my girlfriend i wouldve just killed myself by now. but shes really about the only happiness i have left in my life and i dont want to lose that or give up that. i just want the money to move away with her and start a better life. i mean is that too mmuch to ask for? all i want is to be happy. but i cant even get that. i know life isnt fair and it has its ups and downs, but i feel like im just constantly going downhill and nothing is getting better. im on the verge of just snapping. 

My Thoughts

so it’s been a while since ive said anything on here, so i thought i might change that. I’m not sure when i last posted so ill update a little. Feb. of this month I started at a company called Kinetic, i loved it there, just wish i lived closer to louisville so i couldve kept the job. in march i graduated college with an associates in visual communication (graphic design) awesome right? not really… now i have a job at fucking walmart. i hate that place alot. i’m trying for other jobs especially design jobs, but i havent had any such luck. and it bothers me, that i am a college graduate, a person that went beyond just graduating high school and went the extra mile to get a higher education. but for what? to be stuck at some dead end job barely making above minium wage. that’s bullcrap, i’m not expecting someone to just give me an amazing job or anything. but it just feels like its not enough to just get that college degree, there’s people out in the world making twice as much as i am and they barely passed high school. I know life isnt suppose to be easy. but how am i suppose to motivate myself anymore? i cant find a reason to do anything anymore. i cant bring myself to pick up a pencil knowing that whatever i do wont be good enough. i want to give up completely, just say fuck it to everything. because no matter how hard i try i cant get anywhere. im tired of falling short to everyones expectations and never being good enough. how do you motivate yourself to keep going when theres no where to go?

last nights dream

It started out with me locked in some kind of room, no windows just a locked door and nothing else in the room besides myself. i walked over to the door trying to unlock it but nothing was working, i eventually broke it down. this is where it gets weird. as i walked out of the room a presence over comes me something so strong it brought me to my knees, the next i know theres an old woman crouched over me her face next to my ear. she says “what are you doing my dear?” i replied ” im trying to get away from here.” something changes in the womans face it because contorted into something not of this world. shes whispers in my ear, ” theres no way out, you will burn in hell.” her voice was demonic and i turned to look at her and her eyes were as black as coal her teeth looked something like daggers…but i couldnt move, i was frozen in fear. the next thing i know i hear a little kids voice singing a song id never heard, to my surprise it was a doll my mother keeps in her room, the final line of the song was “and you will bleed, lay and wait for he will come for you” at this i started to scream and bolted away from the demons and i could hear their laughter as i ran down the hallway i ran into a room….this room was full of exorcisms being preformed and i could hear them all whisper my name, i was in shock the next thing i knew i was on the ground surrounded by them all and i blacked out. this is when i actually woke  up around 5 in the morning, i was in the fettle position in my bed on the verge of tears. it had all seemed so real. i felt like i had just had a mental breakdown like my psyche was shattered, i tried so hard not to fall asleep again, but i succumbed to the feeling and awoke in the dream world bound to a bed, i was in a run down insane asylum with nurses around me, i tried so hard to get away screaming at them that the demons were here to kill me, and as the nurses turned around i realized they had caught me the demons had strapped me to the bed and i was now bound to hell.

i remember every detail about this dream because it felt so real. it had actually affected me mentally. to be honest im afraid to fall asleep again fearing of what might become of me if i have to go through that again. i fear the worse, that i may actually snap, that i may actually lose my sanity….i guess time can only tell. -cole downs